I haven't quite made it through the book of John yet...
My mom came to visit in June. The Navy sent my husband away for the summer. My son went to Missouri. Mom and I went on a five-day road trip around Cali. At the last minute, I ditched my plans to go to Minnesota to have an amazing adventure in Hawaii. When I returned (pregnant), I had to take what felt like Road Trip #932. I had to drive to Missouri to pick up my son and then on to Minnesota to pick up my mom, and then drive from Minnesota to San Diego...
Brytin's school year started August 12 and I've been at Loma almost every day ever since. With the California budget cuts, they need all the help they can get.
With the pregnancy came a LOT of whirlwind emotional changes. I stopped smoking after almost 20 years. I stopped drinking soda. I changed my diet from whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to little meals filled with nutrients all day long.
The biggest adjustment came when I stopped taking my depression medicine. For about a year, I have been taking a low dose of Effexor, and saw amazing results. No more panic, no more doubt, no more fear, anxiety, crying, roller coasters of emotion with my husband, friends and family. It was an awesome year. But alas, Effexor is not good for a growing baby, so I stopped. I have the option of taking Zoloft, but the risks far outweigh benefits, we think.
One of the "side-effects" of pregnancy is what they call "nesting." In other words, you clean like you've never cleaned before. The other night, I stumbled upon something I wrote prior to starting my depression medicine in the summer of 2009...
I think I need to go to a counselor. I do, really, need help. I'm not who I want to be, how I want to be. I think that the tortured soul is exactly who I am, but i cannot spend the rest of my life like this. I have to get my mind squared away before I do end up killing myself.
I do not know if it is the hormones from birth control or nicotine withdrawals or because my father was absent or because my stpedad was emotionally abusive or because my mother was not a strong-willed independent woman or because we weren't wealthy or if all my bad choices just added to my already present mental problems...I don't know. I just know I need to heal. i just know that I am sick of outsiders telling me I am weak.
For a long time, I believed that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit could fix me. But they never did...I begged and pleaded and tried to be the best person I thought I could be and just let their love shine through me and over time, I've just become more and more and more confused, scared, manipulated, used, tired and lost...
And that brings me to today. I have always believed in God. My belief is so real, it isn't really a belief, but a KNOWING. Jesus Christ is as real to me as my right hand. I have always, even before ever setting foot in a church, even before ever opening a Bible, I have always known that Jesus Chris is the way, the truth and the life. Every single thing He has ever told me, I have believed and tried to live by and tried to share with others. I'm not an amazing Christian by any means, but my faith is unwavering.
John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease." The Lord promises that when we lose ourselves in Him, we will truly finally find ourselves. But that is NOT the case in my life. I have been hurt THE WORST when I was closest to Jesus Christ. But yet, I still KNOW He is the way, the truth and the life. I am not intersted in trying again (and by "trying again" I mean delving deep into a Christ-centered life where I do nothing but eat, sleep and breath my best friend Jesus). But yet, I have no intention of denouncing Christianity.
So, where does that leave me? A lukewarm Christian? Yuck. But what else is there?
Here's my idea...I vow to finish this book of John for YOU. In turn, I share my knowledge, I share some of my feelings, ideas, and struggles. And maybe God will bless me in the process with the discernment to understand what in the world I am supposed to be doing.
Look for "John 4:27-42 Valuable lessons for Followers of Christ" soon.