Andy Harpole Won’t Give Up on Eastern Cemetery, Even Though City of Louisville Has
It started Memorial weekend. I heard about it on NPR. Flagging Veterans' tombstones at Eastern. A cemetery in ill-repair, abandoned, unloved, desecrated. Veterans' graves long forgotten and left to rot. I made my family go. And it turned out to be an experience we will never forget. We ran around looking for Veterans' final resting places. Chris spoke a sentence that resonates in my soul, even three months later, "even if they aren't Veterans they deserve to be seen." He told Brytin as they brushed grass clippings off tombstones.
At some point, someone told me there was history. A lot of horrible history at Eastern. So of course that night I Googled. I must have read 15 different articles about the atrocious mishandling of finances and land and disrespect for the deceased and just morally repugnant business choices in Eastern's history.
But there they were, this group of angels all dedicated to helping repair and restore and love on and respect this 30 acres of misshapen ground. The Friends of Eastern Cemetery has been around for a little over a year, I guess. Working diligently on Sundays and some other days too, using their personal resources and as many donated resources as they could muster, to try their hand at caring for this molested land.
Somehow, my family seems to run into a debacle most Sundays that prevents our participation in their clean-up efforts, but we do try. Today, we were debacle-free and able to join in. All four of us were there scrubbing the Loomis wakehouse, hoping to restore some of that light grey luster. (We succeeded!!!)
Sean talked about the building as we scrubbed - about the architect Loomis, about the building's purpose and folklore and I kept thinking how remarkable it is that this group of people each have so much knowledge about different aspects of this 30-acres of land. Some of them know biographies of various people buried there (like the "favorites" and the politicians and prominent citizens and the Veterans - I've heard stories about a lot of them.) Some of them know about the historical drama that this land has been through. Some of them know about cemetery restoration/preservation and how to go about it. And together they have this vision for the land, the cemetery, the future of this hallowed ground. And it is just so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.
When I am with this group of people, loving on a land that can never repay them, I see exactly what Jesus meant for the church to be.
If you have any interest in helping out, please do not hesitate to contact me. Truly, there is an avenue for every different interest - philanthropy, landscape, entrepreneurs, preservation/restoration, civic duty, crafting and even natural, botanical foods and products.
My Kids are Blessed by FOEC Too!
Tuesday
Psalm 121
It is good to worry a little, because it leads to healthier choices (so says Eric Barker).
But quickly remember then, that it is Lord who watches over my life, guides my footsteps and blesses me beyond measure in both trial and triumph.
Psalm 121 is a perfect reminder of this!
"I lift up my eyes to the mountains -
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of Heaven and earth...
The Lord will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore."
Big thanks to WorkLife for the verse today.
But quickly remember then, that it is Lord who watches over my life, guides my footsteps and blesses me beyond measure in both trial and triumph.
Psalm 121 is a perfect reminder of this!
"I lift up my eyes to the mountains -
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of Heaven and earth...
The Lord will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore."
Big thanks to WorkLife for the verse today.
Monday
Mysterious Ways
I told you recently that God broke my creamer addiction by giving me my most favorite car.
Well I have another mysterious mystery sentence for you - I started an exercise program, and so now I'm moving.
Tee Major said he would change my life, and boy did he ever!
My husband loves bodyweight exercises. His commanding officer asked if he had ever heard off Tee Major. He showed me some YouTube videos one night at home. In one of said videos, Tee Major said, "Give me 90 days and I will change your life."
I was moved, honestly (pun intended). Something about the timing, the simplicity, the military, the excitement...There has been a brick wall between exercise and me my whole life. And something in Tee Major's videos made it seem like I was finally ready to scale that wall, stand on top of it and rappel down the other side.
So, we got the videos and the books and we dove in! My husband was SUPER excited because I was excited. Our kids love physical activity. We were all winning! And in 90 days I was going to be able to do a pull-up! I even got a tweet from TeeMajor himself encouraging me!
The first day of the program, you are to just do the warm-up exercises. It's a bunch of random exercises like running sprints, but sometimes you are skipping sideways and sometimes you are doing high knees. Whatever. Physically exhausting, but fun and easy.
We chose to do these exercises in the parking lot next to our home. The parking lot next to our home is for a "church" that only our landlords attend. Not thinking anything of it, we used the church parking lot to run these sprints, because it was paved and flat - unlike any piece of land in our yard. Unfortunately, when our landlords arrived at the church that evening and saw us doing the exercises, they did not "think nothing of it." They marched right up to us and gave us the what-for.
I quickly told them that I was sorry I had offended them by doing exercises in their parking lot and took the children inside the house. My husband tried discussing the matter with them, but communication fell apart.
We received a letter in the mail two days later letting us know that they were gravely offended that we had desecrated their church and that we were to vacate within the month.
And so you have it. I started an exercise program and so now I'm moving.
The Lord, in all His glory, sure works in mysterious ways!
Well I have another mysterious mystery sentence for you - I started an exercise program, and so now I'm moving.
Tee Major said he would change my life, and boy did he ever!
My husband loves bodyweight exercises. His commanding officer asked if he had ever heard off Tee Major. He showed me some YouTube videos one night at home. In one of said videos, Tee Major said, "Give me 90 days and I will change your life."
I was moved, honestly (pun intended). Something about the timing, the simplicity, the military, the excitement...There has been a brick wall between exercise and me my whole life. And something in Tee Major's videos made it seem like I was finally ready to scale that wall, stand on top of it and rappel down the other side.
So, we got the videos and the books and we dove in! My husband was SUPER excited because I was excited. Our kids love physical activity. We were all winning! And in 90 days I was going to be able to do a pull-up! I even got a tweet from TeeMajor himself encouraging me!
The first day of the program, you are to just do the warm-up exercises. It's a bunch of random exercises like running sprints, but sometimes you are skipping sideways and sometimes you are doing high knees. Whatever. Physically exhausting, but fun and easy.
We chose to do these exercises in the parking lot next to our home. The parking lot next to our home is for a "church" that only our landlords attend. Not thinking anything of it, we used the church parking lot to run these sprints, because it was paved and flat - unlike any piece of land in our yard. Unfortunately, when our landlords arrived at the church that evening and saw us doing the exercises, they did not "think nothing of it." They marched right up to us and gave us the what-for.
I quickly told them that I was sorry I had offended them by doing exercises in their parking lot and took the children inside the house. My husband tried discussing the matter with them, but communication fell apart.
We received a letter in the mail two days later letting us know that they were gravely offended that we had desecrated their church and that we were to vacate within the month.
And so you have it. I started an exercise program and so now I'm moving.
The Lord, in all His glory, sure works in mysterious ways!
Wednesday
#BringBackOurGirls is NOT a Current Event.
"We Are That Family" is a blog I read EVERY day. Something about the writing strikes a chord in my soul EVERY single day. The parenting, the ministry, the #yesinmymess mentality. I love it.
Today, though, was the most remarkable blog post. Please please please take the time to read it.
The Difference Between Their Daughters and Mine
I don't have daughters, but this situation in Nigeria has truly brought to light for me a resounding problem.I HAVE been posting #BringBackOurGirls everywhere and anywhere I could. But my heart knew there was more...
Kidnapped, abused and misused girls in third world countries is NOT a current event. It is real, it is every day, and it is not going to go stop until the whole world stands up for them.
Yes, I wrote a letter to my Senator, because I didn't know what else to do. But today, We Are That Family, reminded me that I need to pray. I don't know how I missed that, but it is exactly what I need to do.
Will you pray with me?
“God, we humbly seek your face and lift up the girls and women in our world who suffer in bondage and fear violence. We ask that you would set these captives free. We pray they would feel your strong arm of love in the midst of their suffering. Please give me the courage to stand against oppression. Bring back our girls. Amen.” (Reposted from We Are That Family.)
Today, though, was the most remarkable blog post. Please please please take the time to read it.
The Difference Between Their Daughters and Mine
I don't have daughters, but this situation in Nigeria has truly brought to light for me a resounding problem.I HAVE been posting #BringBackOurGirls everywhere and anywhere I could. But my heart knew there was more...
Kidnapped, abused and misused girls in third world countries is NOT a current event. It is real, it is every day, and it is not going to go stop until the whole world stands up for them.
Yes, I wrote a letter to my Senator, because I didn't know what else to do. But today, We Are That Family, reminded me that I need to pray. I don't know how I missed that, but it is exactly what I need to do.
Will you pray with me?
“God, we humbly seek your face and lift up the girls and women in our world who suffer in bondage and fear violence. We ask that you would set these captives free. We pray they would feel your strong arm of love in the midst of their suffering. Please give me the courage to stand against oppression. Bring back our girls. Amen.” (Reposted from We Are That Family.)
Saturday
Bible Study Fellowship Share Night 2014
Every year, BSF's final night of gathering is about sharing how the study has affected you. I love to listen to wormen's stories! They get healed, they get inspired, they get reformed, they get Jesus.
I had something I wanted to share. There were plenty of opportunities to segue into my story for the year. There were plenty of times my heart was pounding so loud in my chest, I thought for sure my neighbor heard it. But I just couldn't get in front of that crowd of strangers, stand in for of the mic, and NOT cry. So I didn't.
I should have. When it was all over, and was driving home in my Mini Cooper, I felt so disappointed.
The whole way home, and even the next day, and even today, I know that I missed out on an opportunity to glorify God. Oh, He was glorified. But not by me.
Like the disciples in Gethsemane who slept rather than prayed, my silence robbed me of the opportunity to strengthen others and glorify God.
I had something I wanted to share. There were plenty of opportunities to segue into my story for the year. There were plenty of times my heart was pounding so loud in my chest, I thought for sure my neighbor heard it. But I just couldn't get in front of that crowd of strangers, stand in for of the mic, and NOT cry. So I didn't.
I should have. When it was all over, and was driving home in my Mini Cooper, I felt so disappointed.
The whole way home, and even the next day, and even today, I know that I missed out on an opportunity to glorify God. Oh, He was glorified. But not by me.
Like the disciples in Gethsemane who slept rather than prayed, my silence robbed me of the opportunity to strengthen others and glorify God.
Thursday
Let It Be
I read a blog post this morning by Oriah called “Let It Go.” One particular sentence stood out amongst all the others:
“I have found the inner directive to "let it be"
somewhat more fruitful in helping me loosen a desperate grasp and rest
in what is.”
After that sentence, her blog post went in a different direction than what I was hoping for – she went back to using “let it go.”
“Let it be,” however, seemed VERY insightful and almost perfect.
“Let it be,” releases judgment, releases opinion
and allows God to control it. It allows me to ride the waves of whatever the situation is.
“Let it go,” to me, means I have to forget about it, and I just can’t do
that. I care too much (yes, about everything).
I can, however, “let it be” what it is and allow
God’s plan to play out.
The Beatles, apparently, had this figured out decades ago!
Wednesday
Matthew 26
Matthew 26 and its multi-layered depth and beauty has truly awakened my soul.
So much happens.
Each happening means something.
All the lessons are significant.
Every verse is so rich with meaning and purpose and guidance and love.
As Easter approaches, I pray that I would spend it all on Jesus like Mary.
As Easter approaches, I pray that truth would always turn me toward Jesus, unlike Judas.
As Easter approaches, I pray that I would know that whenever I rely on my own strength, I am even more weak than Peter.
I pray fervently that God would use me in ways that I do not even know I am being used. That He would use me in ways that have a positive eternal significance.
So much happens.
Each happening means something.
All the lessons are significant.
Every verse is so rich with meaning and purpose and guidance and love.
As Easter approaches, I pray that I would spend it all on Jesus like Mary.
As Easter approaches, I pray that truth would always turn me toward Jesus, unlike Judas.
As Easter approaches, I pray that I would know that whenever I rely on my own strength, I am even more weak than Peter.
I pray fervently that God would use me in ways that I do not even know I am being used. That He would use me in ways that have a positive eternal significance.
posted from Bloggeroid
Sunday
Waiting Becomes Living
In church this morning, I heard this line:
"When the evening comes, please find me singing."
In BSF this past week, we talked about Matthew 25, and the lecturer said, "While we wait for Lord's return, waiting becomes another word for living."
So why not be singing His praises while I wait/live?!
Sing out, my songbirds! Sing out in joy for all He has done, continues to do and will do! Sing out! So when the evening comes of his return, He will find you singing!
"When the evening comes, please find me singing."
In BSF this past week, we talked about Matthew 25, and the lecturer said, "While we wait for Lord's return, waiting becomes another word for living."
So why not be singing His praises while I wait/live?!
Sing out, my songbirds! Sing out in joy for all He has done, continues to do and will do! Sing out! So when the evening comes of his return, He will find you singing!
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday
Creamer Addiction Solved with a Mini Cooper
I wanted to break my addiction to creamer, so God gave me my most favorite
car.
I tried a few things on my own (very nonchalantly.) One day I tried abstaining all together, one day I tried a creamer I didn't like, one month I tried homemade creamer. I never prayed about, I never even really worried about it. I figured it would just work itself out.
And boy did it!
A couple weeks ago, God gave me my most favorite car, a Mini Cooper!
One thing I didn't know about an itty bitty European car is that the cup holders are itty bitty. And in this particular itty bitty car, the cup holders are under all my controls, so I needed a small footprint AND a short cup.
Needless to say, I didn't own a cup that matched those particular measurements. I'm an American. We like super-sized cups filled to the brim. I like mine with some coffee and a LOT of hazelnut creamer. ('Blond' doesn't even begin to describe how much creamer I like.)
So, I kept trying to use my 20 oz Old Glory Starbucks cup that I have had for over a decade. I tried holding it, but holding a cup with a manual transmission in stop-and-go traffic just doesn't work. My husband tried giving me a smaller cup, about 16 oz, but that didn't help. It actually made it worse, because it was too small to hold itself up between the emergency brake and passenger seat.
I kept trying and trying. I kept growling every time I realized my coffee was spilling all over the carpet and the seat and the e-brake boot. I kept telling my husband I wasn't going to take any more drinks into the car.
And then, God gave me the perfect solution to help me with my creamer addiction. The most adorable itty bitty 8 ounce cup that fits perfectly in my itty bitty cup holder. (And only holds about a teaspoon of creamer.)
I tried a few things on my own (very nonchalantly.) One day I tried abstaining all together, one day I tried a creamer I didn't like, one month I tried homemade creamer. I never prayed about, I never even really worried about it. I figured it would just work itself out.
And boy did it!
A couple weeks ago, God gave me my most favorite car, a Mini Cooper!
One thing I didn't know about an itty bitty European car is that the cup holders are itty bitty. And in this particular itty bitty car, the cup holders are under all my controls, so I needed a small footprint AND a short cup.
Needless to say, I didn't own a cup that matched those particular measurements. I'm an American. We like super-sized cups filled to the brim. I like mine with some coffee and a LOT of hazelnut creamer. ('Blond' doesn't even begin to describe how much creamer I like.)
So, I kept trying to use my 20 oz Old Glory Starbucks cup that I have had for over a decade. I tried holding it, but holding a cup with a manual transmission in stop-and-go traffic just doesn't work. My husband tried giving me a smaller cup, about 16 oz, but that didn't help. It actually made it worse, because it was too small to hold itself up between the emergency brake and passenger seat.
I kept trying and trying. I kept growling every time I realized my coffee was spilling all over the carpet and the seat and the e-brake boot. I kept telling my husband I wasn't going to take any more drinks into the car.
And then, God gave me the perfect solution to help me with my creamer addiction. The most adorable itty bitty 8 ounce cup that fits perfectly in my itty bitty cup holder. (And only holds about a teaspoon of creamer.)
Friday
Unexplainable
The missing Malaysian airliner MH370 is a horrible story. It’s sad, it’s tragic, it’s scary, it’s unfortunate, but at its best it is unexplainable.
I pray for the victims, for families of victims, and for all
the bystanders relying on technology to provide answers.
I think that what the human race really needs at this moment
is to NOT know.
I think that what the human race really needs at this moment
is to realize that technology cannot be trusted.
I think that what the human race needs to know at this time
is that there is something bigger than us.
In an age when we know everything and we know it faster,
relying on our own knowledge and understanding is not the final answer.
I think that what the human race really needs to know at
this time is that God is in control.
Isaiah 45:6-7 That
people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is
none besides me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create
darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all
these things.
Romans 1:20 “For
since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power
and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been
made, so that people are without excuse.”
Right now is not about what happened to the Malaysian
Airliner, but that humans need Jesus.
John 3:17 For God did not send his Son into the world to
condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
Relying on ourselves and relying on our technology and
relying even on other humans doesn’t get us where we are trying to go.
John 14:6 Jesus said
to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father
except through me.
The inability to explain what happened to MH370 and all the
people aboard gives me hope, because God is infinitely smarter and bigger and
has a much better plan for me than any computer or news reporter ever could.
Unexplainable, sometimes, is the best we can hope for.
Additional verses:
Jeremiah 29:11 For I
know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for
evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Isaiah 55:8-11 For my
thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the
Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than
your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. “For as the rain and the snow
come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it
bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so
shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing
for which I sent it.
Job 12:10 In his hand
is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear
not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen
you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Genesis 50:20 As for
you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about
that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
Monday
Jesus IS the "Stumbling Block"
Just one quick little nugget for you today...
1 Corinthians 1:23 reads "...we preach Christ crucified, and to Jews it is a stumbling block and to Gentiles it is foolishness."
A small verse - cryptic even, but so deep and beautiful and enlightening.
The whole section, 1 Corinthians 1:18-31 purposes to explain the misunderstandings of God's message of the cross. And without the Holy Spirit to illumine me, I wouldn't understand it at all.
Once, in a children's ministry, it was broken down as simply as "God's plans and ideas and ways are upside down."
Christ's crucifixion made him weak in eyes of Gentiles and certainly not a role model.
Jews rejected him because he didn't save them from the oppressive Romans.
Because God asks Jews to accept Jesus as their Savior, they are locked out of Heaven. Christ IS the stumbling block.
Because God asks Gentiles to accept Jesus as their Hero, they are locked out of Heaven. Christ IS the rock of offense.
Paul tells us the Law reveals our sin. Similarly, Jesus' light is offensive to darkness.
1 Corinthians 1:23 reads "...we preach Christ crucified, and to Jews it is a stumbling block and to Gentiles it is foolishness."
A small verse - cryptic even, but so deep and beautiful and enlightening.
The whole section, 1 Corinthians 1:18-31 purposes to explain the misunderstandings of God's message of the cross. And without the Holy Spirit to illumine me, I wouldn't understand it at all.
Once, in a children's ministry, it was broken down as simply as "God's plans and ideas and ways are upside down."
Christ's crucifixion made him weak in eyes of Gentiles and certainly not a role model.
Jews rejected him because he didn't save them from the oppressive Romans.
Because God asks Jews to accept Jesus as their Savior, they are locked out of Heaven. Christ IS the stumbling block.
Because God asks Gentiles to accept Jesus as their Hero, they are locked out of Heaven. Christ IS the rock of offense.
Paul tells us the Law reveals our sin. Similarly, Jesus' light is offensive to darkness.
Wednesday
Come to Jesus with Empty Hands
Last night’s discussion of grace (Matthew 19:23-21:17) brought about this quote, “God gives where He finds empty hands.” (St. Augustine of Hippo)
A Google search for more information brought me this blog post, which is fabulous. The orange juice analogy really is good once you figure out what the blogger is attempting to say.
But I think St Augustine wants us think about more than stuff. I don’t think he meant literally empty hands of tangible items. I think he meant empty like a blank slate. I think he meant empty like not trying to prove my worth.
And this blog about having “empty hands of repentance,” was good in a whole different way.
God’s grace is so thorough, so life-changing, so deep, so earth-shattering, so all-encompassing that it requires empty hands of repentance.
God, in his great love, wisdom, and mercy is not content to condone our sin. Rather, he is intent on forgiving it, cleansing us of it so it might not rule over us. When we come clinging to our sin, we are in no position to receive.
We cannot cling to our sins with justification or reasoning or acceptance and expect God’s entire grace. We have to have empty hands.
Empty of merit, of justification, of expectation.
Come to Jesus with empty hands that He might fill them up with peace and joy and love beyond measure.
A Google search for more information brought me this blog post, which is fabulous. The orange juice analogy really is good once you figure out what the blogger is attempting to say.
But I think St Augustine wants us think about more than stuff. I don’t think he meant literally empty hands of tangible items. I think he meant empty like a blank slate. I think he meant empty like not trying to prove my worth.
And this blog about having “empty hands of repentance,” was good in a whole different way.
God’s grace is so thorough, so life-changing, so deep, so earth-shattering, so all-encompassing that it requires empty hands of repentance.
God, in his great love, wisdom, and mercy is not content to condone our sin. Rather, he is intent on forgiving it, cleansing us of it so it might not rule over us. When we come clinging to our sin, we are in no position to receive.
We cannot cling to our sins with justification or reasoning or acceptance and expect God’s entire grace. We have to have empty hands.
Empty of merit, of justification, of expectation.
Come to Jesus with empty hands that He might fill them up with peace and joy and love beyond measure.
Thursday
A Blazing Offering
During the worship portion of the service I attended this week, there was one lined in one song that struck a chord. I felt connected to it and have thought about the repeatedly the last few days.
“…let my life be a blazing offering…”
We often hear the cliché “on fire for the Lord,” but this line was a nice twist that used “blaze” which creates a whole different word picture - and it resonated in my soul.
First of all, “let my life be an offering” is a wonderful goal in itself. But a “blazing offering” would have to be a lifetstyle in order for you to be successful.
Is offering myself to Christ a lifestyle that I live? Is it something people can’t help but see?
I have seen wildfires rage on hillsides in Southern California. You can’t miss them. They surround you, envelope you, shake you to your core. Is my life a “blazing offering?”
I do not tithe. I do not volunteer. I do not even attend church. I do not pray every night before I sleep. I do not listen to Christian radio. I watch “R” rated movies. I curse like a sailor. The list goes on and on (and on)…
But then I try to find just ONE thing about my life that might be pleasing to the Lord and I am instantly reminded that I set out many moons ago to be a Proverbs 31 wife to Chris.
“…for her worth is far above jewels…the heart of her husband trusts in her…she does him good and not evil…she clothes herself with strength and works hard…strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also praises her saying, “Many daughers have done nobly, but you excel them all.”
I have painstakingly worked to prove my worth to be far above any jewel. My greatest accomplishment as Chris’s wife has been to show him what unconditional love and commitment look and feel like. To be the best mother I know how to be for his children. I have not been perfect, but I have been consistent. And I can honestly say that Chris has noticed. He recognizes my value, my hard work and my intentions.
He doesn’t, however, see that Jesus is my power source.
And then I thought about my job and realized that my work ethic is a “blazing offering” to the Lord. And it has been every job since I worked at Red Devil Equipment Co.
Colossians 3:23 “What ever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.”
Any boss I have ever worked for would immediately attest to how thorough, efficient and dependable I am. It is my joy and my honor to do work that is so praiseworthy. None of my bosses, however, could tell you that Jesus is my true boss.
And that brings me to the one point from the sermon I gained.
Romans 10:9 says, “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
I’ve done some great mighty things for God, but people don’t know that I am doing it FOR God. I’ve been a wonderful living sacrifice, a testament to all the Lord can do in and through a human being. Now, I’ve just got to let the world know, I do it all because Jesus first loved me.
“…let my life be a blazing offering…”
We often hear the cliché “on fire for the Lord,” but this line was a nice twist that used “blaze” which creates a whole different word picture - and it resonated in my soul.
First of all, “let my life be an offering” is a wonderful goal in itself. But a “blazing offering” would have to be a lifetstyle in order for you to be successful.
Is offering myself to Christ a lifestyle that I live? Is it something people can’t help but see?
I have seen wildfires rage on hillsides in Southern California. You can’t miss them. They surround you, envelope you, shake you to your core. Is my life a “blazing offering?”
I do not tithe. I do not volunteer. I do not even attend church. I do not pray every night before I sleep. I do not listen to Christian radio. I watch “R” rated movies. I curse like a sailor. The list goes on and on (and on)…
But then I try to find just ONE thing about my life that might be pleasing to the Lord and I am instantly reminded that I set out many moons ago to be a Proverbs 31 wife to Chris.
“…for her worth is far above jewels…the heart of her husband trusts in her…she does him good and not evil…she clothes herself with strength and works hard…strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also praises her saying, “Many daughers have done nobly, but you excel them all.”
I have painstakingly worked to prove my worth to be far above any jewel. My greatest accomplishment as Chris’s wife has been to show him what unconditional love and commitment look and feel like. To be the best mother I know how to be for his children. I have not been perfect, but I have been consistent. And I can honestly say that Chris has noticed. He recognizes my value, my hard work and my intentions.
He doesn’t, however, see that Jesus is my power source.
And then I thought about my job and realized that my work ethic is a “blazing offering” to the Lord. And it has been every job since I worked at Red Devil Equipment Co.
Colossians 3:23 “What ever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.”
Any boss I have ever worked for would immediately attest to how thorough, efficient and dependable I am. It is my joy and my honor to do work that is so praiseworthy. None of my bosses, however, could tell you that Jesus is my true boss.
And that brings me to the one point from the sermon I gained.
Romans 10:9 says, “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
I’ve done some great mighty things for God, but people don’t know that I am doing it FOR God. I’ve been a wonderful living sacrifice, a testament to all the Lord can do in and through a human being. Now, I’ve just got to let the world know, I do it all because Jesus first loved me.
Sunday
I Need That Cup
Today, I went to church. I don't go often. I don't even remember the last time I attended the same church twice.
I love Jesus Christ with all my heart, soul and strength. Church, however, I do not love. I don't do cordial or casual well. I don't do small-talk , I don't avoid pink elephants; and in my experience, church is a lot of those things. Church is often "formulas for freedom," "patterns for perfection." It is cliches, alliteration, and very uncomfortable. Churches have a jargon, and as soon as something has words that outsiders don't understand, it becomes mostly irrelevant.
But every November, it seems, I try. And today's attempt, honestly, was mostly for my kids (but that is another blog post).
All that negativity being said, today's experience was likable enough that I am at least willing to do it again.
During his sermon, the pastor had a vulnerability about him, and it made me feel like just maybe this church is "real."
Oh sure, they had all the pomp and circumstance of a typical "non-denominational, seeker-friendly, contemporary worship" church service. But since it was smaller than a mega-church, the hubaloo was diluted. The bulletin was not six pages, the need for money didn't include building renovations, and the list of available small groups didn't meet EVERYone "where they are."
During the "communion meditation" this morning, the gentleman providing the devotional gave a little piece that will probably motivate me to go back...
He got it from someone else, but he said, "In my youth, I thought I'd have sin beat by the time I was old. Now that I am old, I know sin actually gets stronger as I age.
"I need Jesus. I need that weekly cup of wine to remind me that through the blood of Christ, sin has been defeated."
We are called to be in fellowship with like-minded individuals, couples and families. We are called to worship in unison with a group. We are called to pray and serve and hold accountable and be accountable our brothers and sisters in Christ. I may finally be at a place where I am maybe willing to partake in that calling. Maybe.
Lord knows, I need that cup.
I love Jesus Christ with all my heart, soul and strength. Church, however, I do not love. I don't do cordial or casual well. I don't do small-talk , I don't avoid pink elephants; and in my experience, church is a lot of those things. Church is often "formulas for freedom," "patterns for perfection." It is cliches, alliteration, and very uncomfortable. Churches have a jargon, and as soon as something has words that outsiders don't understand, it becomes mostly irrelevant.
But every November, it seems, I try. And today's attempt, honestly, was mostly for my kids (but that is another blog post).
All that negativity being said, today's experience was likable enough that I am at least willing to do it again.
During his sermon, the pastor had a vulnerability about him, and it made me feel like just maybe this church is "real."
Oh sure, they had all the pomp and circumstance of a typical "non-denominational, seeker-friendly, contemporary worship" church service. But since it was smaller than a mega-church, the hubaloo was diluted. The bulletin was not six pages, the need for money didn't include building renovations, and the list of available small groups didn't meet EVERYone "where they are."
During the "communion meditation" this morning, the gentleman providing the devotional gave a little piece that will probably motivate me to go back...
He got it from someone else, but he said, "In my youth, I thought I'd have sin beat by the time I was old. Now that I am old, I know sin actually gets stronger as I age.
"I need Jesus. I need that weekly cup of wine to remind me that through the blood of Christ, sin has been defeated."
We are called to be in fellowship with like-minded individuals, couples and families. We are called to worship in unison with a group. We are called to pray and serve and hold accountable and be accountable our brothers and sisters in Christ. I may finally be at a place where I am maybe willing to partake in that calling. Maybe.
Lord knows, I need that cup.
posted from Bloggeroid
Friday
Oh Em Gee ! ! !
I read this post on my friend's blog, and let out a REALLY GOOD cry.
What a relief to finally put a finger on my distance from God.
"[Her pastor] describes lamenting as righteous complaining to God that can end with praising God or end with bitterness toward God."
My lamenting has ended with bitterness. For YEARS. I have been bitter with God for a loooooooooong time. And until now, I had no idea how to change my attitude.
Now, I am resolved to try and heal my relationship with God.
Please pray that I would find the words to praise Him with my whole heart.
What a relief to finally put a finger on my distance from God.
"[Her pastor] describes lamenting as righteous complaining to God that can end with praising God or end with bitterness toward God."
My lamenting has ended with bitterness. For YEARS. I have been bitter with God for a loooooooooong time. And until now, I had no idea how to change my attitude.
Now, I am resolved to try and heal my relationship with God.
Please pray that I would find the words to praise Him with my whole heart.
Wednesday
Luke, a Friend of Paul
I wrote this many moons ago, but I am reminded of it today as I begin my study of The Acts of the Apostles with BSF.
Last night was the Intro class. I haven't decided yet if I am fully committed to the study, but already I learned three things:
1. I can't ever run. Even when I'm trying to cover my running by going to a Bible study, God will follow and make sure I'm dealing with my emotions, my situations, my life, relationships and my attitude.
2. I must be who I am, who God created me to be. When I push against that is when I get all jacked up. To care more about others IS Christ-like. Lucky me that it comes so naturally. Embrace it. Live it. Don't let others sway me into thinking that I need to put myself first. It never works in my favor.
3. "Even our Lord Jesus Himself was anointed 'with the Holy Spirit and power' for the work He was obliged to finish (Acts 10:38)." Even Jesus Christ Superstar needed help. I can get the same help. I don't have to do it alone. When I am weak, He is strong.
posted from Bloggeroid
Last night was the Intro class. I haven't decided yet if I am fully committed to the study, but already I learned three things:
1. I can't ever run. Even when I'm trying to cover my running by going to a Bible study, God will follow and make sure I'm dealing with my emotions, my situations, my life, relationships and my attitude.
2. I must be who I am, who God created me to be. When I push against that is when I get all jacked up. To care more about others IS Christ-like. Lucky me that it comes so naturally. Embrace it. Live it. Don't let others sway me into thinking that I need to put myself first. It never works in my favor.
3. "Even our Lord Jesus Himself was anointed 'with the Holy Spirit and power' for the work He was obliged to finish (Acts 10:38)." Even Jesus Christ Superstar needed help. I can get the same help. I don't have to do it alone. When I am weak, He is strong.
posted from Bloggeroid
Saturday
For about a week, the Verse of the Day app on my phone has given me a verse that really speaks to me.
8/12/2011 Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This verse was the first verse to hit home in many many months. I think it was because it's saying that NO MATTER WHAT, I am still God and you are still my daughter. I will ALWAYS be here for you, even though you put me away on a shelf in the storage shed for months at a time.
8/13/2011 2 Thessalonians 3:5 May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.
Chris and I had been fighting, and this verse reminded me that I should love like Christ. Love first. And maybe if I gave God a little more attention, loving would come easier.
8/14/2011 1 Corinthians 13:13 So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Just in case I missed the message about love yesterday...
8/15/2011 James 3:7-9 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.
Oh, tongue. You little devil. I had realized the evening prior that the way I treat people is not necessarily loving...I lack the ability to communicate my exact revelation to you, but if you've ever dealt with a person who is constantly correcting you, bossing you around and/or irritated with your sheer stupidity, then you've probably experienced a conversation or two with me.
8/16/2011 Romans 5:3-5 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
These verses are some of the most powerful in the Bible to me. On this day, "...hope does not put us to shame..." is the part I needed. Continuing to try, to believe I can be an amazing wife, mother, friend, etc WILL pay off in the end. Do not give up trying to be the best you can be, even though it feels like you often fail. Even though it feels like no one appreciates your efforts. Even though your reward is decades away in Heaven, endure.
8/17/2011 All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.
I saw someone I do not particularly like, but my Verse of the Day app was right there to remind me that God created this person (and probably put her in my life for a reason).
8/19/2011 Revelation 4:11 Worthy are you, our Lord and God to receive glory and honor and power for you created all things and by your will they existed and were created.
And the week finished off with a verse that just reminds me that the Lord God IS Almighty.
It's not that I have ignored God, I just don't make Him a priority. I'm still torn between being gung-ho for Him and forgetting all about Him...
I still pray, I still thank Him, I still try to abide by His guidelines, I still serve others in the hope that they will see His Glory. I just don't evangelize, I don't go to church, I don't read my Bible (who has time with a six-year-old, a five-month-old, a sixteen-year-old, a cat that pees all over the house, a cat that pukes all over the house and a husband?!). And truthfully, I don't really seek His will for my life.
I believe it's all a sign to attend BSF for the study of Acts in 2011-2012. I'm not 100 percent sure, but I am leaning in that direction.
8/12/2011 Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This verse was the first verse to hit home in many many months. I think it was because it's saying that NO MATTER WHAT, I am still God and you are still my daughter. I will ALWAYS be here for you, even though you put me away on a shelf in the storage shed for months at a time.
8/13/2011 2 Thessalonians 3:5 May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.
Chris and I had been fighting, and this verse reminded me that I should love like Christ. Love first. And maybe if I gave God a little more attention, loving would come easier.
8/14/2011 1 Corinthians 13:13 So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Just in case I missed the message about love yesterday...
8/15/2011 James 3:7-9 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.
Oh, tongue. You little devil. I had realized the evening prior that the way I treat people is not necessarily loving...I lack the ability to communicate my exact revelation to you, but if you've ever dealt with a person who is constantly correcting you, bossing you around and/or irritated with your sheer stupidity, then you've probably experienced a conversation or two with me.
8/16/2011 Romans 5:3-5 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
These verses are some of the most powerful in the Bible to me. On this day, "...hope does not put us to shame..." is the part I needed. Continuing to try, to believe I can be an amazing wife, mother, friend, etc WILL pay off in the end. Do not give up trying to be the best you can be, even though it feels like you often fail. Even though it feels like no one appreciates your efforts. Even though your reward is decades away in Heaven, endure.
8/17/2011 All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.
I saw someone I do not particularly like, but my Verse of the Day app was right there to remind me that God created this person (and probably put her in my life for a reason).
8/19/2011 Revelation 4:11 Worthy are you, our Lord and God to receive glory and honor and power for you created all things and by your will they existed and were created.
And the week finished off with a verse that just reminds me that the Lord God IS Almighty.
It's not that I have ignored God, I just don't make Him a priority. I'm still torn between being gung-ho for Him and forgetting all about Him...
I still pray, I still thank Him, I still try to abide by His guidelines, I still serve others in the hope that they will see His Glory. I just don't evangelize, I don't go to church, I don't read my Bible (who has time with a six-year-old, a five-month-old, a sixteen-year-old, a cat that pees all over the house, a cat that pukes all over the house and a husband?!). And truthfully, I don't really seek His will for my life.
I believe it's all a sign to attend BSF for the study of Acts in 2011-2012. I'm not 100 percent sure, but I am leaning in that direction.
Thursday
Carpal Tunnel
I promise that as soon as the Carpal Tunnel eases up, I will resume posting my Bible studies.
Monday
Valuable Lessons for Followers of Christ
John 4:27-42
In these 15 verses, I found seven valuable lessons:
1. Question only to seek understanding
2. Thank of spiritual rather than physical
3. The time to help someone find peace and joy and love is now
4. No one man alone saves a soul
5. Tell others about the miracles you experience.
6. Allow yourself to believe in others’ miracles
7. It takes a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to ground our faith.
So let’s start with verse 27. Being Jewish men, the disciples are confused as to why their rabbi is speaking to an unknown Samaritan woman. But the Bible says, “…no one said ‘What do you seek’ or, ‘Why do you speak with her?”
We can always ask Jesus questions if our intent is to seek understanding. However, when our questions would seek to only serve ourselves or try to put Jesus in a box of our preconceived ideals of him, we are just wasting breath.
I think the disciples knew that Jesus would NOT like their questioning of his actions.
Please see “I am the Savior that You Seek” for detail regarding verses 28-30.
In verse 31, we continue to see Jesus’ followers focus on the physical rather than the spiritual. I do not think that the message is to continually ignore the physical aspects of life. I think that Jesus begs us to focus on spiritual aspects so that we realize our need for His righteousness.
Jesus, in verse 32, lets them know that there is something more important in their immediate future than the physical side of it.
The disciples, of course, focus on the physical side and are concerned that someone met their master’s needs before they could.
31 “Eat, Rabbi.”
32 “I have food you do not know about.”
33 “Who brought him food?”
34 “My food is to do the will of Him - to accomplish His work.”
Jesus explains that his nourishment and energy come from doing the work that He was sent to Earth to do. Just like I sometimes get too busy volunteering at my son’s school to eat, Jesus is so busy ministering he does not even realize he has physical hunger. Just like the Samaritan woman in verse 28 forgot her thirst to run off and share the joy of her heart with anyone who would listen.
In verses 35-38, Jesus presents his point in a farming metaphor that he hopes the disciples will understand. He reminds them that when they plant wheat seed, it takes four months to be ready to harvest. He implores them to look around and view the souls of the people as wheat ready for harvest.
He explains that the seeds of faith were planted long ago (implying the OT prophets and John the Baptist were the sowers). Therefore, the time to help someone find peace and joy and love is now. He entices the disciples to reap souls by telling them they would “receive wages and gather fruit for eternal life.”
For a better understanding of “fruit” please see John 15:5
I think that verses 36-38 are important verses for all believers to note: “…so that he who sows and he who reaps may rejoice together.” No one man alone saves a soul. Celebrate with your brothers and sisters in Christ that together you helped a man/woman/child find peace in Jesus Christ.
Jews never spoke to Samaritans - much less Samaritan woman. Jesus, loving all souls, chose to ask this woman for a cool drink of water. She obliged, and in turn, “From that city, many of the Samaritans believed in Him.” What a beautiful tale of the “power of one.”
“Because of the word of the woman who testified.” It is so important that we tell others about the miracles we experience. Without that shared testimony, people continue to just meander through life forgetting sometimes that God even exists…
I know Christians can be annoying. I know others’ good fortune can be frustrating. But if we just occasionally allow ourselves to get wrapped up in the excitement of other peoples’ miracles, we too can find peace and joy and love that is everlasting.
There is only one way to Heaven - to believe in the love of Jesus Christ. Our relatives cannot pray us into Heaven. Our good deeds cannot earn us a spot on a cloud. We cannot be saved through our bloodline or through our religion (See Jesus’ conversation with Nicodemus in John 3.)
“We have heard for ourselves and know that this One is indeed the Savior of the world.”
It takes a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to ground our faith. We must believe that only through the redeeming work of Christ on the cross can we be righteous enough to be graced with the presence of God for eternity.
In these 15 verses, I found seven valuable lessons:
1. Question only to seek understanding
2. Thank of spiritual rather than physical
3. The time to help someone find peace and joy and love is now
4. No one man alone saves a soul
5. Tell others about the miracles you experience.
6. Allow yourself to believe in others’ miracles
7. It takes a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to ground our faith.
So let’s start with verse 27. Being Jewish men, the disciples are confused as to why their rabbi is speaking to an unknown Samaritan woman. But the Bible says, “…no one said ‘What do you seek’ or, ‘Why do you speak with her?”
We can always ask Jesus questions if our intent is to seek understanding. However, when our questions would seek to only serve ourselves or try to put Jesus in a box of our preconceived ideals of him, we are just wasting breath.
I think the disciples knew that Jesus would NOT like their questioning of his actions.
Please see “I am the Savior that You Seek” for detail regarding verses 28-30.
In verse 31, we continue to see Jesus’ followers focus on the physical rather than the spiritual. I do not think that the message is to continually ignore the physical aspects of life. I think that Jesus begs us to focus on spiritual aspects so that we realize our need for His righteousness.
Jesus, in verse 32, lets them know that there is something more important in their immediate future than the physical side of it.
The disciples, of course, focus on the physical side and are concerned that someone met their master’s needs before they could.
31 “Eat, Rabbi.”
32 “I have food you do not know about.”
33 “Who brought him food?”
34 “My food is to do the will of Him - to accomplish His work.”
Jesus explains that his nourishment and energy come from doing the work that He was sent to Earth to do. Just like I sometimes get too busy volunteering at my son’s school to eat, Jesus is so busy ministering he does not even realize he has physical hunger. Just like the Samaritan woman in verse 28 forgot her thirst to run off and share the joy of her heart with anyone who would listen.
In verses 35-38, Jesus presents his point in a farming metaphor that he hopes the disciples will understand. He reminds them that when they plant wheat seed, it takes four months to be ready to harvest. He implores them to look around and view the souls of the people as wheat ready for harvest.
He explains that the seeds of faith were planted long ago (implying the OT prophets and John the Baptist were the sowers). Therefore, the time to help someone find peace and joy and love is now. He entices the disciples to reap souls by telling them they would “receive wages and gather fruit for eternal life.”
For a better understanding of “fruit” please see John 15:5
I think that verses 36-38 are important verses for all believers to note: “…so that he who sows and he who reaps may rejoice together.” No one man alone saves a soul. Celebrate with your brothers and sisters in Christ that together you helped a man/woman/child find peace in Jesus Christ.
Jews never spoke to Samaritans - much less Samaritan woman. Jesus, loving all souls, chose to ask this woman for a cool drink of water. She obliged, and in turn, “From that city, many of the Samaritans believed in Him.” What a beautiful tale of the “power of one.”
“Because of the word of the woman who testified.” It is so important that we tell others about the miracles we experience. Without that shared testimony, people continue to just meander through life forgetting sometimes that God even exists…
I know Christians can be annoying. I know others’ good fortune can be frustrating. But if we just occasionally allow ourselves to get wrapped up in the excitement of other peoples’ miracles, we too can find peace and joy and love that is everlasting.
There is only one way to Heaven - to believe in the love of Jesus Christ. Our relatives cannot pray us into Heaven. Our good deeds cannot earn us a spot on a cloud. We cannot be saved through our bloodline or through our religion (See Jesus’ conversation with Nicodemus in John 3.)
“We have heard for ourselves and know that this One is indeed the Savior of the world.”
It takes a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to ground our faith. We must believe that only through the redeeming work of Christ on the cross can we be righteous enough to be graced with the presence of God for eternity.
Sunday
The Whirlwind that is My Life
I haven't quite made it through the book of John yet...
My mom came to visit in June. The Navy sent my husband away for the summer. My son went to Missouri. Mom and I went on a five-day road trip around Cali. At the last minute, I ditched my plans to go to Minnesota to have an amazing adventure in Hawaii. When I returned (pregnant), I had to take what felt like Road Trip #932. I had to drive to Missouri to pick up my son and then on to Minnesota to pick up my mom, and then drive from Minnesota to San Diego...
Brytin's school year started August 12 and I've been at Loma almost every day ever since. With the California budget cuts, they need all the help they can get.
With the pregnancy came a LOT of whirlwind emotional changes. I stopped smoking after almost 20 years. I stopped drinking soda. I changed my diet from whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to little meals filled with nutrients all day long.
The biggest adjustment came when I stopped taking my depression medicine. For about a year, I have been taking a low dose of Effexor, and saw amazing results. No more panic, no more doubt, no more fear, anxiety, crying, roller coasters of emotion with my husband, friends and family. It was an awesome year. But alas, Effexor is not good for a growing baby, so I stopped. I have the option of taking Zoloft, but the risks far outweigh benefits, we think.
One of the "side-effects" of pregnancy is what they call "nesting." In other words, you clean like you've never cleaned before. The other night, I stumbled upon something I wrote prior to starting my depression medicine in the summer of 2009...
I think I need to go to a counselor. I do, really, need help. I'm not who I want to be, how I want to be. I think that the tortured soul is exactly who I am, but i cannot spend the rest of my life like this. I have to get my mind squared away before I do end up killing myself.
I do not know if it is the hormones from birth control or nicotine withdrawals or because my father was absent or because my stpedad was emotionally abusive or because my mother was not a strong-willed independent woman or because we weren't wealthy or if all my bad choices just added to my already present mental problems...I don't know. I just know I need to heal. i just know that I am sick of outsiders telling me I am weak.
For a long time, I believed that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit could fix me. But they never did...I begged and pleaded and tried to be the best person I thought I could be and just let their love shine through me and over time, I've just become more and more and more confused, scared, manipulated, used, tired and lost...
And that brings me to today. I have always believed in God. My belief is so real, it isn't really a belief, but a KNOWING. Jesus Christ is as real to me as my right hand. I have always, even before ever setting foot in a church, even before ever opening a Bible, I have always known that Jesus Chris is the way, the truth and the life. Every single thing He has ever told me, I have believed and tried to live by and tried to share with others. I'm not an amazing Christian by any means, but my faith is unwavering.
John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease." The Lord promises that when we lose ourselves in Him, we will truly finally find ourselves. But that is NOT the case in my life. I have been hurt THE WORST when I was closest to Jesus Christ. But yet, I still KNOW He is the way, the truth and the life. I am not intersted in trying again (and by "trying again" I mean delving deep into a Christ-centered life where I do nothing but eat, sleep and breath my best friend Jesus). But yet, I have no intention of denouncing Christianity.
So, where does that leave me? A lukewarm Christian? Yuck. But what else is there?
Here's my idea...I vow to finish this book of John for YOU. In turn, I share my knowledge, I share some of my feelings, ideas, and struggles. And maybe God will bless me in the process with the discernment to understand what in the world I am supposed to be doing.
Look for "John 4:27-42 Valuable lessons for Followers of Christ" soon.
My mom came to visit in June. The Navy sent my husband away for the summer. My son went to Missouri. Mom and I went on a five-day road trip around Cali. At the last minute, I ditched my plans to go to Minnesota to have an amazing adventure in Hawaii. When I returned (pregnant), I had to take what felt like Road Trip #932. I had to drive to Missouri to pick up my son and then on to Minnesota to pick up my mom, and then drive from Minnesota to San Diego...
Brytin's school year started August 12 and I've been at Loma almost every day ever since. With the California budget cuts, they need all the help they can get.
With the pregnancy came a LOT of whirlwind emotional changes. I stopped smoking after almost 20 years. I stopped drinking soda. I changed my diet from whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to little meals filled with nutrients all day long.
The biggest adjustment came when I stopped taking my depression medicine. For about a year, I have been taking a low dose of Effexor, and saw amazing results. No more panic, no more doubt, no more fear, anxiety, crying, roller coasters of emotion with my husband, friends and family. It was an awesome year. But alas, Effexor is not good for a growing baby, so I stopped. I have the option of taking Zoloft, but the risks far outweigh benefits, we think.
One of the "side-effects" of pregnancy is what they call "nesting." In other words, you clean like you've never cleaned before. The other night, I stumbled upon something I wrote prior to starting my depression medicine in the summer of 2009...
I think I need to go to a counselor. I do, really, need help. I'm not who I want to be, how I want to be. I think that the tortured soul is exactly who I am, but i cannot spend the rest of my life like this. I have to get my mind squared away before I do end up killing myself.
I do not know if it is the hormones from birth control or nicotine withdrawals or because my father was absent or because my stpedad was emotionally abusive or because my mother was not a strong-willed independent woman or because we weren't wealthy or if all my bad choices just added to my already present mental problems...I don't know. I just know I need to heal. i just know that I am sick of outsiders telling me I am weak.
For a long time, I believed that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit could fix me. But they never did...I begged and pleaded and tried to be the best person I thought I could be and just let their love shine through me and over time, I've just become more and more and more confused, scared, manipulated, used, tired and lost...
And that brings me to today. I have always believed in God. My belief is so real, it isn't really a belief, but a KNOWING. Jesus Christ is as real to me as my right hand. I have always, even before ever setting foot in a church, even before ever opening a Bible, I have always known that Jesus Chris is the way, the truth and the life. Every single thing He has ever told me, I have believed and tried to live by and tried to share with others. I'm not an amazing Christian by any means, but my faith is unwavering.
John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease." The Lord promises that when we lose ourselves in Him, we will truly finally find ourselves. But that is NOT the case in my life. I have been hurt THE WORST when I was closest to Jesus Christ. But yet, I still KNOW He is the way, the truth and the life. I am not intersted in trying again (and by "trying again" I mean delving deep into a Christ-centered life where I do nothing but eat, sleep and breath my best friend Jesus). But yet, I have no intention of denouncing Christianity.
So, where does that leave me? A lukewarm Christian? Yuck. But what else is there?
Here's my idea...I vow to finish this book of John for YOU. In turn, I share my knowledge, I share some of my feelings, ideas, and struggles. And maybe God will bless me in the process with the discernment to understand what in the world I am supposed to be doing.
Look for "John 4:27-42 Valuable lessons for Followers of Christ" soon.
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